Taking the LONGER, HARDER path

TAKING THE LONGER, HARDER PATH

“So, how’d you do it?”
Everyone on a weight loss journey ought to prepare themselves to be able to answer this question in 10 words or less. And be prepared that *some* people DON’T want to hear ANYthing to do with hard work or sacrifice or deprivation…those are the kind of people who are looking for a “magic pill” or at the very least, a foolproof “formula” guaranteed to bring FAST results.
Hey, I of all people *get this* totally- *I* was one of them not that long ago.
If I asked someone who’d lost weight how’d they’d done it, and they said it took them over a year to accomplish their goal, I’d have scoffed and replied, “Pah, that’s too much work…..” So, beginning with THAT mindset, it is MY intention to reach out to that audience. Because I KNOW where you’re coming from…and all I can say is what was said to me…and it impacted me: DOING NOTHING won’t change anything either. And it IS a mountain, but it can be moved….one shovelful at a time. I didn’t get this way overnight and I won’t UNdo it overnight either. And NOT caring about my health…and NOT paying any attention to WHAT I was putting IN my mouth…the most effective way to UNdo that HABIT, is to COUNTERACT it the same way…START caring, START paying attention.
For me, the VERY first step was going to the LORD about it. I’ve tried this MANY times before, and *seemed* to succeed (in the past, I DID lose weight) but I only gained victory on the outside, NEVER on the inside- so the “success” was short-lived. I never dealt with the REAL deep-seeded issues- of WHY I binged, WHY I turned to FOOD when I was dealing with emotional issues. Not surprising I’m sure- the weight came back on…and then some.
In all honesty, I didn’t even WANT to START this journey. Well, I wanted to lose weight- SURE, who doesn’t? I stood in front of the mirror OFTEN, and despised what I’d done to myself. I was convinced that if I could lose weight and *look* better, I’d like myself more. The *sad* thing is, every attempt- and subsequent failure- just made me despise myself even MORE…it was a vicious, never-seeming-to-end cycle….resulting in yet another binge of mindless eating of whatever appealed to me at the time. It was my *punishment* of myself for having NO *willpower*, and for having such apathy towards myself. FOOD, which I turned to for some odd type of *comfort* was also my worst enemy, my worst critic, my deepest shame, my biggest secret, my private hell, the ultimate bondage…because the human body cannot be sustained withOUT FOOD…how do you “escape” this kind of bondage?


I’d LOVE to tell you I have ALL the answers…Oh brother…I’m sorry…I feel like I should have a sign tattooed across my forehead- just do the OPPOSITE of what I do, and you’ll be fine.
I don’t have all the answers. At the end of my weight loss goal, I feel like I have more QUESTIONS than answers myself. I’ve learned much, and the more I learn, the LESS I think I KNOW anymore. I don’t know SQUAT.
I want to ENcourage others, but I feel like such a failure myself…I feel like UNTIL I get this whole thing down pat, and don’t stumble and fail, ONLY then can I give any *advice* worth listening to- every failure, every transgression just affirms to me that I am mocking the name of the Lord I claim to serve…for in essence, I *feel* like my testimony only PROVES to others who already MOCK HIM, that the God I serve is a puny little god, and the power of the Twinkie is stronger than the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, maker of heaven and earth. I am better off keeping my mouth shut, and NOT bringing HIS name into my quest…because it seems like my failures bring Him shame.
Except here’s the thing…these are all things I *feel*, things I *think* every time I fail to do the right thing, the things that flood my heart and mind every time I stumble and fall, and give into temptation(s)…NONE of these thoughts are coming from the heart of my Savior, Jesus Christ. These accusations and condemnations and words of discouragement, shame and despair are lies of the enemy to destroy me, to stop me, and to bring me back into bondage from which HE paid to set me free.
HE has promised…with every step of obedience He offers GRACE. With every transgression- when I confess my sin- and come to HIM for restoration, that HE is faithful not only to FORGIVE, but to cleanse me from ALL unrighteousness.
It isn’t a matter of whether or not I ever screw it all up- it’s a guarantee that I will INDEED stumble and fall- but WHAT do I do…WHEN ( not IF, WHEN) I do???
Do I run for cover, and hide from Him?
Or do I go running TO HIM, crying, saying, “FATHER, I don’t WANT to keep doing this. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOUR GRACE, I seek Your mercy.”
The greatest lesson I’ve learned out of this entire journey: I can’t trust my *feelings*….those are what got me into this predicament in the FIRST place. I NEED to live on a deeper, more constant plane than my temporal *feelings* (which can CHANGE in a split second)… The ONLY constant in MY life is the LORD- who doesn’t change. HE can be trusted. HE is faithFUL even when I am completely faithLESS.
Which is why, no matter where I am in this journey…UP or DOWN- I walk with HIM…and I seek to do it all FOR HIS GLORY…and when I fall flat on my face, I STILL choose to get back UP and walk towards HIM, taking HIS hand, seeking to have HIM lead me, guide me, and be my strength.

And, after almost a year on this journey- looking back- in retrospect-
Has it been *worth it?* Or, if there were such a thing as this “magic pill” or fool proof formula-
Given a choice, which would I choose? Yep, that *easier way out* still could be tempting.
But I’m glad I didn’t find an empty promise.
I’m grateful I took the LONGER, HARDER path…what I’ve learned about HIM and how I’ve grown deeper in love with HIM because HE has walked beside me in the deepest, darkest area of my life thus far….
And I’d have missed it. NOTHING can ever take this part of my life away- I will never believe that lie ever again that HE doesn’t care about the things that hurt me the deepest….HE has shown it in ways I can NEVER fully explain because I haven’t even fully comprehended it myself.
All I know is I want to share this with the people I love…I want to see them experience this type of freedom, to know this SAVIOR, to walk with HIM…because what’s He’s done for me is special but I am not in an exclusive club…HIS GRACE is open to ANYONE who comes to HIM, seeking HIM, not just what He can do for them.

Wrong information can really derail your motivation train

UGH!!!! That's all I can say. Ideally I should have had a 3 month evaluation from the personal trainer, but that never happened. August was a bad month between work, illness and motivation. I only got to the gym about 5 or 6 times during the whole month. I feel like I'm back at square 1. I did have an evaluation on Aug 31...
and I hadn't shown much improvement for 4 months of working out...
and then, come to find out...I am misinformed about the body fat/BMI numbers.
The body fat % is the only one, according to the personal trainer, that matters.
Not the other way around. So, while I'm getting excited at seeing the BMI number go down, the % of body fat remains the same...which is not good. It's good that it isn't going up, but in order to see that number get smaller, I need to do MORE
fat burning- that is, build muscle- exercises and less cardio.
Right now, I am so lethargic, I have NO energy to even WANT to go to the gym, much less do it. And I have been cheering myself on at the fact that I was going and at least doing the cardio... I was all psyched that I was working hard, sweating and
burning at least 400+ calories in the hour I was there.
Now it just seems like all I did was tread water for 4 months...very very very
discouraging.... and letting up for a whole month, I am even more tired now.
If this is what is going to happen...if I've started something that I MUST maintain
here on out, or I'll be even MORE out of shape...then I may as well quit now.
Is this going to be like steroids? You can't ever get off them or your body falls apart without them???????? I'll repeat it again .........UGH!!!!!!!!!

on a side note: my b/p was completely wacky at the beginning of the month- part of the reason I wasn't feeling well. I had to resume my old Rx ( with the diuretic )
and I have only had relief from the migraines with Excedrin. The caffeine does help,
but herein is the catch-22 with that bugger- it affects my ability to sleep because
it wrecks havoc on my hormonal system. The menopausal symptoms are returning, the hot flashes are returning and the caffeine is causing breast pains again.
I did show some weight loss over the 4 month period ( less than 5 pounds...let's all jump for joy{sarcasm} ) BUT ( and I do have a big one- haha) the inches are less all over- bust, waist, hips, thighs, arms, calves... so at least SOMEthing to show for my work... but nothing anyone has noticed or commented on. At this point, I'd
even appreciate lying about it... no comments at all- complete apathy- is THE MOST
DISCOURAGING thing I encounter.

My weekly weigh ins

I started keeping track of my weight, BMI and % of body fat...

SnapFitness suggested only weighing in once every 3 months, but I read something elsewhere that makes much more sense to me...
If you're driving and you take a detour, it is much easier ( and less stressful I might add) to get back on course if you realize very quickly that you've taken a wrong turn and need to backtrack...if you continue to drive off course for a long time, you end up really lost and can get very discouraged....hence the idea of weekly
weigh ins... if you notice you're gaining...it's much easier to put the brakes on...rather than work for 3 months and realize it....
so it makes sense to me... so I started keeping track as of Aug 1, 2009...will weigh myself every Monday am about the same time...


DATE WEIGHT % B.M.I.
08/01/09 162.6 38.4 30.7
08/10/09 156.4 38.8 29.6
08/17/09 157.2 37.9 29.7

My cholesterol is going down- Praising God!!!!!!!!!!

I just got the results from my last blood work up-
My total cholesterol is down 23 points! Still not under 200, but
it's dropping and that's a good thing.

He still is urging me to take cholesterol medicine...I said
NO, I will wait and see what the next blood work up says in 6 months...if, after
diet and exercise, it still isn't in the safe range, I will consider it.

My tricylcerides are still within normal range but on the high end of normal
and have gone up, which is NOT a good thing and will have to talk to the doctor about that- I understand the good and bad cholesterol, but I don't know what tricylcerides are all about......will do some research to find out myself.


My good cholesterol is still higher than normal, but it also has dropped (which isn't necessarily a good thing or a bad thing)
Cholesterol Total
Was 259 Now 236 -23 Normal Range <200
Tricylcerides
Was 130 Now 147 +17 Normal Range <150
HDL Cholesterol
Was 58 Now 50 -08 Normal Range >45
LDL Cholesterol
Was 175 Now 157 -18 Normal Range <100

The goal line is closer than I thought.....cool....

I just found out that in order to get my BMI into the safe range, I need to lose
30 lbs...that is 20 less than my goal...That is encouraging. So my goal isn't as
far outta sight as I thought it was......
Ya know what's funny?
My goal is to get to where I was in high school- when I had energy/stamina-
Shoot, I twirled rifles in marching band and could march in the parades without getting tired!
Funny thing is...those days, I was convinced I was a fat slob who needed to lose
about 15 -20 lbs. back then... guess we're never happy with how we look, huh?
( and we all hear how these gorgeous models have low self esteems too and aren't happy with how they look )
Gee, I wonder what my cholesterol levels were back then? I didn't care what I ate,
and I cringe when I think about my eating habits......
Probably if I'd have had them checked, they would have been normal/good...
Go figure....

Re-reading my past blogs.....

Interesting how going back and re-reading my past blogs gives me a new perspective?!
Didn't I say I wasn't going to measure my success by what the number on the scale said, but rather the BMI- which is a better indicator of what's going on INSIDE
that isn't showing up on the OUTSIDE yet...??? Oh yeah, I forgot...
Someone needs to smack me upside the head and remind me of that... well, SOMEONE did... the Lord prompted me to go back and re-read my own words, and reminded me that I have lost some body fat, I am building muscle because I have increased the weights I am lifting on most of the machines, and my blood pressure is dropping...
so there is progress going on...and I've allowed discouragement to drag me down.
Check out this passage from The Message: Hebrews 12:1
"Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!"

plugging away but heart not in this

I am trying to resolve to keep on fighting this battle, and I've been getting to the gym more often, but the time drags on and I just don't want to be there- I don't want to be home either- so it's not like I'm missing out on something else-
it's frustrating, being so discouraged. Yet I am more discouraged when I look in the mirror- I wished the gym didn't have wall to wall mirrors- it probably works in the athletic person's favor- it's almost pathetic how many times I've observed the guys checking themselves out in them while they're lifting weights- but it isn't working in my favor right now...rather, it's having the opposite effect.
I realize I didn't get in this shape overnight, and it isn't coming off overnight either- but I am just in a slump right now and don't know how to overcome it.
I am encouraged that my b/p is doing better- I sure don't miss the diuretic- Diovan HCT- or the pulse medication- Atenolol- that one made me quite tired and sometimes
dropped my b/p too low so I only took it when my pulse started racing- which, for some strange reason, was in the wee hours of the morning? weird.
Well, I am just rambling at this point...don't ever care about this stupid blogging.
I feel like I'm the only one who reads it anyhow.
I'm just tired of being everyone else's cheerleader and who basically gives a squat about me?